I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
