I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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