the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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