happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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