drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
