The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize