Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
