I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
