eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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