On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can't special order awesome
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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