If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
