whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You took a bar mat shot.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
