i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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