you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
