There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
two words...techno handjob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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