Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
