i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
