NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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