Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
