I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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