you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
