That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
