all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
