Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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