my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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