Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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