You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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