rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
