After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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