I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
