Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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