Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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