She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
