Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
