The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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