My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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