I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
