Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
