Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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