Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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