i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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