I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize