If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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