I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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