I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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