I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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