just come out here and I will go home with you...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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