and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just pee around me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
