I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Someone shattered a urinal.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This is classic penis vs brain.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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