Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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