I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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