I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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