You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
