and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
