I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
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Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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