Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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