Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize