just tell him i said nine months
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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